I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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