I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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