I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
