it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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