You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
