I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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