i think i have two assholes
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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