Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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