so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
