I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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