I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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