3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
