Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
