I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
