there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
