Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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