go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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