I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
