Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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