FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Are we still banned from the library?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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