im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Less talking, more tequila
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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