Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
