Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I need a beard to bite.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize