I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
