I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
