So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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