Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she smelled like a LAN party
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
