Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
