I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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