Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
