My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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