I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
