if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
