i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
