the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm passing your future prison.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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