i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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