I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
