He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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