If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
