on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
