hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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