So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You're like the curious george of whores
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
