She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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