I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
