listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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