Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.