This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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