i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
