I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
