I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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