R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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