eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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