If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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