I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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