just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
