I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
