Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
