good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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