Is it because I queefed?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
